Is Your Relationship Healthy?

Even healthy relationships have occasional problems, from slight misunderstandings, which the couple communicates openly, and eventually both feel there was a compromise and resolution. Ultimately they both feel good and become closer to each other. There are also times however of stress, such as with money, job layoff, death, or illness. These are likely due to the situation and not because the relationship is unhealthy.

If you are in a relationship and are not sure, or concerned, if your relationship is healthy or unhealthy, you can identify this by observing a pattern of unhealthy signs that occur overtime by answering the following questions.

While in your current relationship with your partner...

	YES	NO
1. Do you feel that you have room to grow as an individual?
2. Do you have separate interests from your partner such as other friends, hobbies?
3. Does your partner encourage you to expand your personally and professional growth?
4. Do you feel that you can be open and trusting with your partner?
5. Do you feel that you are free to be yourself?
6. Do you feel that you can express your true feelings to your partner?
7. Does your partner listen to your feelings?
8. Do you feel comfortable enjoying being alone when you need to?
9. Can you accept breakup without feeling loss of self and self worth?
10. Can you accept breakup, and though apart, will be ok remaining as friends?
11. Is your relationship, based on security and comfort?
12. Is your relationship based on infatuation as proof of love?
13. Is your relationship based on total involvement such as neglecting old friends or interests or social life?
14. Are you preoccupied with your partner’s behaviors?
15. Do you need your partner’s approval for your own identity or self worth?
16. Do you easily get jealous or fear competition from other individuals who have the same gender as your partner?
17. Do you feel that heated conversations with your partner are a one-sided decision?
18. Does your partner deny your feelings or emotions?
19. Does your partner ask you for your and respect your opinion?
20. Does your partner get jealous when you spend time with your friends or family?
21. Does your partner say things that make you feel bad, then tell you they are only joking or that you are too sensitive?
22. When your partner gets angry do they threaten you or your children, or break or throw things?
23. When your partner get angry easily?
24. Does your partner use drugs or drink alcohol daily or go on binges or drinking?
25. Does your partner roll their eyes when you talk to them?
26. Does your partner seem to know how you feel
27. Does your partner change or twist the things you say, so they turn the conversation against you?

What do your answers mean?

Your relationship is healthy if, on questions 1-10, you answered “Yes” to most questions and on questions 11-27 you answered “No” to most of the questions.

Your relationship is likely unhealthy if, on questions 1-10, you answered “No” to most questions and on questions 11-27 you answered “Yes” to most of the questions. If this is the case, your relationship may be unhealthy. If you feel scared or in danger, please read Intimate Partner Violence. If you are not scared or feel you are not be in danger, but you still feel your relationship has some unhealthy signs, this does not mean you are with the wrong person or that you need to break the relationship immediately, but can help you make a more healthy choice for yourself. It is all too often that people continue going from a unhealthy relationship to unhealthy relationship believing they have not found the right person. These people keep searching to find a partner that makes them happy. Unfortunately this does not work, because happiness can only be found within you first. So if you find unhealthy signs in your relationship, this means that you have identified an important first step towards learning how to identify and how to build a healthy relationship. It is possible to improve yourself, your self-esteem, and as a result make yourself happy, rather than searching for someone to make you happy. You must be happy with yourself first. To learn more select the following link to the Self-Help Relationship Improvement Quiz

Source: Some questions obtained from 1) Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stops Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. Hazelden, Center City, Minnesota 55012-0176 (1992) [ISBN:0-89486-402-5]; 2) Dahlberg LL, Toal SB, Behrens CB. Measuring Violence-Related Attitudes, Beliefs, and Behaviors Among Youths: A Compendium of Assessment Tools. Atlanta, GA: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, 1998; and 3) The Assault Survivors Advocacy Program (ASAP), University of Northern Colorado.

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Last modified on 05/26/2010

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